I know I haven’t wrote on here in a long time. I have been insanely busy with , work, school, obviously relationship issues, a 11 month old to take care of etc. I don’t know what to do right now. I am so confused so hurt, so scared.
You have been talking to her again, lying to my face about it, trying to conceal it. Had the audacity to try and make me feel like shit by hiding a photo in one of your emails. Bullshit. You put it there hoping that I wouldn’t find it. If you really truly did want me to see it, you wouldn’t have let me cry, you wouldn’t have told me to fucking deal with it as you walked out into the living room that night. You wouldn’t have let me sit in my car for over an hour before coming out to tell me the dumb plan or excuse that you had made up about the entire thing. We have been fighting like crazy the past few days, I don’t know to believe you on things or not. I don’t know if I can trust you, as I thoughT that I was able to this last time. I have given you so many chances to change and be faithful, honest, loving, and respectful to me, and yet you always break them every single one.
Take this morning for example,that was a pure line of disrespect for me, ignoring me as well since you have been at work, does not show love, or respect that crosses two of that list. Now we all know you have both honesty issues with me as well as faithful ones as well. Heck we have been together for 22 months and 18 out of those months you have cheated on me lied to me walked all over me, broke my heart continusely, and won’t stop.
I had a headache this morning, got up early after not being able to sleep last night. Couldn’t fall asleep until 2 am, yet I still got up at six am with the baby, got her dressed, gave her a bottle and put her in bed with you for you to watch her so I could finish getting ready for work. She finished the bottle and started to cry after 5 minutes of this I asked you to give her breakfast you said you would, again you didn’t this went on for another 15 minutes straight of me begging you to get her breakfast while I got ready and she sat there crying. It wasn’t right of you to deny her food because you couldnt get your butt out of bed. Your a father and guess what that means you have responsibilities to. I can’t be expected to do everything 24/7. I ask a lot of you on wed. nights and on the weekends for an hour here or there. but I always help you out with her when I can. You weren’t home last night but for only an hour before derby you felt the need to go into our room and lay on our bed for 30 minutes after I told you she needed a bath and asked you if you could do it. Did you? no. You came out into the living room, again I asked you to give her a bath, as I was in the middle of cooking dinner for you, trying to get it done before you had to leave. That didn’t happen. You sat there and played video games, I asked you to give her dinner did you? no. you then left at 730 and didnt return till 1030 where you sat in the car for twenty minutes not telling me what was going on nothing, leaving me to think it was my fault that you were out there, and that something more was going on. That you were talking to her again while out there and doing what it took just to cover it up. You were distant last night the same way you were when you were cheating on me for months at a time. You won’t be home tonight as we have counseling at 6 and your meeting us there, then going straight from there to practice in DC where you wont return until after 11 pm. I am assuming you won’t help me again tomorrow, since you haven’t helped me at allin the past few days. I feel like a damn single mother with how little you help me out sometimes. Its ridiculous.
You gave me the same crap about you gotta give respect to get respect this morning. Yet when I gave you that this past weekend after yet again caught you on that fucking cunts fb page (you can’t NOT go on it every day) even tho u know how much it hurts me. You told me that the quote above was bullshit and rattled off all the reasons that it wasn’t the case. Your such a Hypocrite! I try my best to do what you ask me to make you happy, to be faithful, honest, respectful, loving, and caring to you, ( I may not be the greatest at all of them, but I do it as best as I can, and the more I do it the better I get at it) but you don’t do that, you give just enough to cover your but for that day in time and then move on to the next thing. Its so annoying, I am so hurt and sick and tired of being walked all over, and treated like shit. You need to step up your game. I am so confused on if I even want to continue putting myself through this anymore.
You told me I was degrading you this morning. How? By pointing out that your not around for your child when your not. By pointing out that I needed your help you said you would do it and you didn’t. No what was degrading was how you talked shit about my father, told me that my daughter was going to be like him, talked crap about my friends last night, and continuously point out all the reasons why I suck at life. You say I degrade you, and maybe I do a little bit, but definitely in no way what so ever is it anywhere near the amount you put me down and make me feel like shit.
Saturday was amazing, we treated each other with respect we had an excellent day together, you were cuddly, funny, talkative, joking with me etc. IT actually felt like the old days for the first time in a year and a half. Then it went to shit again as it always does. I can’t keep this relationship afloat by myself, you need to come up to the plate and really put two feet in. If things haven’t changed by Zaley’s birthday or even as late as 4th of July, I don’t know if I can stay with you anymore. I think about Zaley as thats the most important thing, and she is the whole reason I am putting myself through this, because I want to give her both parents in a loving caring home, yet that wont work if the fighting doesn’t stop. She will learn it and in the end of things that will be worse for her than if we were to split up. I need you to think long and hard about your actions, your commitment, and us over the next few weeks, make a decision on what it is you want to do and you let me know. I am sick of being hurt by you so please please please cut it out.
